Best of this week.. aka forgot to post it when it was actually topical

Introducing MC Rove, the President's Deputy Chief of Staff. It reminds of the bit in Wayne's World where Noah Vandervelt raps his 'Noah's Arcade' advert.

Deputy PM: 'Pick me!'

This is probably the best news story of last week.

Prime Minister in waiting Gordon Brown forgets himself and proves he is a man of the people. But how many people do you know would pick and eat greens on TV? I love the skillful way he tries to distract attention through seat shuffling, in between his attempts to get at the offending bogey. I think he may have remembered that he was on TV right at the end when he straightens his tie.

You tube video

Mop shots part deux

He looks like Barbara Windsor.

Mop cam

Day 1: Top of the Mops

I love the way she can't bring herself to actually wear her sensible shoes. I never thought boots could look so chic worn as a hand-bag, I must try it.



Day 2: It ain't 'alf mop mum

Naomi would 'rather go naked than wear fur', but obviously she didn't want to be charged with gross indecency whilst on Community Service.




Naomi was slammed by Heather Mills over going back on her fur promise to PeTA in the 90s. Hey but it was the 90s, she was probably too busy dancing to old rave versions of the Sesame Street theme and Trumpton and wearing Global Hypercolour to have realised exactly what she was posing for. Someone at the Mail unearthed some old video from an 80s wedding of Heather wearing mink. Give her a break. It was the 90s. She was probably too into Rubiks Cubes to notice it was real fur. I haven't seen the video in question but I expect pink frosted lip-stick and Sam Fox roots.

Anyway I found this story about how Heather posed as a journalist who shares her name in order to get media work. I could try that with my porn star name-sake one day. Mills was rumbled because of her notable lack of leg. I would be caught because of my lack of notable piercings.

Oh well, who cares? My that lady can fox trot.

Outside Planet Hollywood

...someone had taken the P.

Weekly round-up. What's coming up

I came into work at 5.30am today to do absolutely nothing. Hmph.

What a week we have had.

I have performed stand-up in front of 80 people. My hand shook violently whilst on stage but somehow I muddled through and received a warm reception. It must have been the vibrator joke that did it. I am thankful for all my friends who came to watch. I have received encouragement to carry on gigging but I am not quite sure just yet. I can't tell if I enjoyed it, it was quite hard to do but I felt so high after.

Also this week saw the wrong winner for the British entry to the Eurovision announced on stage by Terry and Fearne. 90s Steps tribute act Scooch will be representing all that is good about British pop... I can't wait (to watch us loose).

On Friday I hung out with Lizo whilst visiting Children's BBC's news-show 'Newsround'. You can't see this on the photo above but with his shaved head he looks like a younger version of the guy from the Halifax adverts. He showed me some photographs depicting him holding MTV awards and complained he looked much older now. I accidentally insulted him by saying the only difference between them, was that he was smiling and now he looks like he's been at CBBC too long. He played a video of an Iron Maiden concert in the 80s, where you can glimpse him in the crowd at the end. Despite his love of heavy metal, he is a lot less 'zany' than you would imagine a CBBC presenter to be. It must be the serious news journalist in him. Additionally he said my last name was boring, such a cheek. He has a GSOH though. Good old GSOH.

Did you hear the one about the speed-dating tampon who gives head? At CBBC one lady said to me 'You don't do jokes about tampons, blow jobs and dating do you? That is why I hate female comediennes'. Male comedians are really different from that.

Comic Relief has raised loadsa money! £40.2m. Every year it raises more and more, but does it really? these figures been adjusted for inflation? I want real figures damn it. I find some of the stints on comic relief rather painful but Andi Peter's appearance on this Ricky Gervais' sketch was worth it.

Today I am looking forward to the start of Phil Spector's trial, he is alleged to have shot an actress in his home a few years back. Actually more accurately I eagerly anticipate how his hair may have grown since last time.

Lastly Naomi will be doing her community service today mopping floors for five days in New York as punishment for throwing a mobile phone at her assistant. The question on everyone's lips is 'What will she wear?'. Let us hope she doesn't heed warnings not to wear her stilettos. These shoes would be perfect.

It's behind closed doors but I expect leaked mobile phone footage will make it's way to us soon.

Artist impression of Naiomi, helped by her celebrity friends.

oh no

When I invited my friends to see my stand up comedy showcase, where along with 10 other stand up comedy course members I go on stage at a pub in Belsize Park, my friend told me
"omg, you've learned how to be funny, that's amazing!"

I am not sure I have. 4 days to go and I do not know if I want to use this 5 minutes or other material. I am confused. Unprepared. Have no deliver technique. I am scared.